Cold hands, warm shart.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
