Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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