Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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