Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
