Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
