I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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