About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
