life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my being single is dangerous.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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