i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm at about main and main street
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize