sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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