if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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