So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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