Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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