i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
