I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
