In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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