Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
