so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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