Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
