apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
