My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
