Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
