Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
