I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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