I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
