I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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