Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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