Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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