Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
