I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize