i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
