I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
