If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
how drunk are you?
Several
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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