if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
