we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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