I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
