I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
