can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize