It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
