I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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