i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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