U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
