remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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