my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
