By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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