you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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