can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
