I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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