Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
