hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
