Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
