Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
