so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
