Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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