someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
