When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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