Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
