I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
