haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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