I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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