i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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