every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
