My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
