Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
