Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
